We hit 25,000 fans on our Facebook page last night!
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Monthly Archives: April 2013
Desensitivity
Fan Question: Since I started using an hitachi, it’s harder for me to achieve orgasm by manual stimulation. It’s embarrassing sometimes when I can’t orgasm for my Dom even though He’s doing all the right things. Thoughts?
Also, could you discuss the topic of squirting??
Answer: It sounds like you’ve desensitized and I would suggest to reduce use of toys until you regain some sensitivity to that area. Since the Hitachi was designed for muscles and not sexual stimulation you have to use the product in that matter with caution.
Vanilla Men
Fan Question:
“Hiya! Can I ask some advice? Maybe also to the page page fans but I hope I can be anonymous…
A few months ago I have broken out of a 24/7 D/s, in a bdsm setting I’m submissive. It was my first D/s experience and the relationship lasted 18 months. At the moment I am single, not really looking for a new Dom/Daddy or maybe vanilla-ish partner but it looks like men smell I am single again, they come right at me. I am open about my orientation. What I see what happens is that men are interested in me, they say they are not into bdsm but I notice they think I’m kind of a sex freak (which maybe I will be to them) and they can do everything with me. Do more submissive single notice this? Maybe it has something to do with the 50 Shades hype? However, I don’t like it. There even was a man complaining I behaved not submissive to him and by the tone of his words I could hear he was disappointed although he did not tried to dominate me. He does not have a clou what bdsm is about, I don’t have to tell you that. Are there more single submissives have this kind of experience, vanilla men that are disappointed that you don’t submit to them? And do you also have the feeling vanilla men come after you because you are bdsm orientated?
How do you handle that? I don’t want to look for a D in the scene at the moment and some vanilla’s are quite nice and even into rough sex, which can open grounds for maybe some bdsm components and a bdsm exploration. I’m not searching but I’m open for nice people.”
Answer: Unfortunately, it is pretty common. Those who aren’t experienced or knowledgeable about BDSM tend to generalize submissive females as “freaks”.. or maybe they just confuse the term with nymphomaniacs? It comes with the territory and is something we can either help correct through education (which is our goal here) or learn to deal with. If you are upfront about your needs, then you should get the results you desire. If you want a dominant partner who is willing to develop a D/s relationship, then you’ll find that.. but if you continually look for a dominant figure in a vanilla world.. you’re most likely going to find more and more people expecting you to act promiscuous because you identify as a submissive. You can always check out BDSM communities and talk with people online who have BDSM in common with you.. develop friendships that way
Talking Dirty?
Fan Question:”I’m in a new relationship with a man who loves to be dominated. I’ve always wanted to explore bdsm but never trusted any of my previous partners to do so. When I met the man I’m with now it felt like we were destined to be together. We had an instant connection and we trust eachother completely. As far as dominating him I’m working on it my only thing is I’m not confident enough idk why because he always tells me everrytime we try something new that I’m doing very well but idk I can’t seem to convince myself lol. U have any pointers for a new girl ?? My biggest weakness is the talk, its like I blank out . He loves when I talk dirty, drives him crazy but sometimes I cant think of anything!!!”
Answer: It’s going to take some practice! WHAT you say depends on what turns him on.. so maybe just ask him what gets him going? Is there a certain phrase or word that gets him really excited? Then you could use that to your advantage.. use it make him orgasm faster than expected, to tease him, to deny him, etc. That all depends on what kind of D/s relationship you guys have. I think once you understand what words/phrases turn him on and which ones kill his sexual appetite, you’ll have more confidence in USING those words for your own fun!
A Dominant Submissive in Today’s Society
The problem with mainstreaming BDSM is it not only leaves out much of the intricacies of its power-play relationships but, in many cases, it tries to mold it into normative sexuality. I am holding out hope that this too shall pass, and BDSM will be considered on its own merit without having to wrap it back up in something the vanillas can feel good about.
via A dominant submissive in today’s society - The Independent Florida Alligator: Columns.
Weight Issues
Fan Question:”I have a question that you guys might have an answer to, or at least some advice on the matter. My Dominant makes it very clear that the only thing keeping me from being perfect is the fact that I’m overweight. Since that comment, I’ve become very self conscious with him. I brought it up with him a while ago and he said he was getting used to it, but when I text him the next day about howe happy that made me, he said it could still be changed. Help…?”
Answer: This is a tricky situation.. IMO, a Dom shouldn’t be looking to necessarily “change” the submissive, but should be encouraging self-improvement. He shouldn’t tell you that you’re fat, that you aren’t beautiful, that he doesn’t find you attractive.. or, in this case, that you aren’t perfect because of a physical matter. If he’s constantly telling you these things, I would consider that emotional abuse.. he’s making you feel as if you aren’t worthy of him or that you need to change for him, which isn’t the case. If the issue really bothers him THAT much, he wouldn’t be with you.. just keep that in mind! He obviously finds you beautiful for who you are. However, staying fit can be something a Dom requires.. for health and mental reasons. If he started requiring you to exercise or you are interested in a certain diet …then that is something you two will need to negotiate. If you are comfortable with those stipulations, then be sure to follow them once you’ve agreed to them! But, your negotiations on this issue should be about your safety and his, not necessarily just about attraction, because BDSM isn’t all about sex.. it’s about the relationship.
Overcoming Shyness
Fan Question: “I have a long question about shyness: My Master and I have been together in the past and he really had me out of my shell. I felt free to speak up when I wanted to play, say the sexual things that were on my mind etc. Then we split up and I ended up settling for a dom who hated that about me and made me feel like I was disgusting for it. Im back with my original Master but Im too shy to do the things I used to because Im super self concious about any of it now. He’s very loving and has endless patience (the first time we played again, it took me a half hour to wiggle out of my shirt and get over a mini anxiety attack) but I know it must be wearing out. The other night he said that he wouldnt initiate play until I was able to speak up first. How do/have you overcome your shyness?”
Answer: I think what your current Dom is really trying to do is trying to get you comfortable with who you are so that you feel comfortable around him! Don’t worry about impressing him, or about messing up, just be YOU and things will fall in place (even if it’s not where you thought it would). Believe me, we all go through a phase of trying to please the people around us.. and it wont’ get you very far. Once you realize you are a wonderful person, with personality and beauty, you will be able to accomplish so much in your life and your relationship!
How to Get “the ball rolling”?
Question: my girlfriend has recently sort of ‘came out’ to me about really liking being dominated, she’s held this back from me for a year and a half or more because she was scared it would scare me away.
I’m a bit hurt that she thought so little of me since we’ve been together for 3 and a half years, but im holding that back because im really more interested in pleasing her.
but whenever i try to start a conversation about boundaries, likes, and dislikes she tuns into an “i dont know i guess” factory. i really want her to be happy because I’ve seen her going online to try to get people to talk dirty to her and it worries me that i can’t provide for her sexually. how can i get this ball rolling?
Answer: It sounds like she’s afraid to admit her desires to you and I can definitely relate to that.. it’s scary to admit those things to someone you are so emotionally attached to. We have a great BDSM checklist that we encourage all new couples to go over TOGETHER so they can get to know each other’s limits, desires and interests without having to really ‘bring up’ any specific fetish or kink. Just suggest going through the list with her and maybe start off by finding something on it YOU’RE interested in to make her feel more comfortable. Of course, there will be things you guys don’t feel the same about, but you can always reach a compromise about them and try things out together.
No Limits?
Fan Questions: “I recently meet sumone and he said there’s no limits. This will actually be my first time being his submissive should there be any limits.?”
Answer: YES! There should ALWAYS be limits! Everyone has a breaking point and you should always negotiate what your hard and soft limits are. Discuss everything with a potential partner before you play with them. Here is a great negotiation form to start with: http://www.bdsm-education.com/negotiation.html
I also want to add that if ANY dom(me) tries to tell you that there are no limits, that you aren’t allowed to have a safeword or that you can’t have a safe call or buddy at a first meeting.. they are deliberately taking advantage of you and they do not deserve the title “Dom(me)”.
Bedroom or Relationship?
Fan Question:
“Is Dom and Sub only in the bedroom or the relationship entirely?”
Answer: It can be either. You can be a “bedroom sub” or only when you are home or 24/7.
