This is my personal story about how discovering and learning about BDSM helped my husband and me come to an important understanding within our marriage, as well as guided me to a place in my life where I am now comfortable with my body and who I am as a person. This is the journey from a vanilla marriage that was quickly falling apart to a 24/7 D/s lifestyle that has helped us become closer than ever. Continue reading
Those red flags are there to expose an abuser if only we were trained to see them. You will read the list and think “Now why oh why didn’t I think of that!” This checklist is a general one, as well all know in the BDSM lifestyle, some of these signs are not that of an abuser but of a good dominant, but like all things it doesn’t hurt to have a good idea about what might fall under the category of a potential abusive relationship/person.
“I loved your book so much I tried to tie up my boyfriend while he was asleep. He woke up before I could, but it all worked out anyway…”
Ah, the delicious meaning in that dot, dot, dot. This fan mail is one of my favorites, a definite keeper, but it is probably not the best approach for introducing BDSM in your bedroom. The road to restraining orders starts here.
The truth is, I’ve always had readers interested in this topic but the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomena has planted seeds in the minds of millions of Americans. So how do you introduce BDSM into your bedroom in a way that can lead to fun, intimacy and a little dot, dot, dot?
Fan Question:
“I am at the end of my rope and don’t know where to turn now.. I have been with my partner for 3 years now but or relationship seems to be at a standstill if not dissolving. I am a lost slave so to speak.. My partner is a Master however he has never collared me which is causing its own issues for me mentally and emotionally. My problem is that I have tried to express my needs and desires to him in various ways all ending in failure. My latest efforts ended with him calling me an ingrate for disagreeing that it should all be my responsibility to get attention I am craving. I often feel he isn’t interested in me anymore making it hard to dress up for him or even get close to him I feel rejected. I have gone so long without my needs being met that I have become somewhat of a brat which he is blanking for his lack of interest. I just don’t know what to do anymore I feel so lost without having aspects of feeling owned and loved. Any advise could help at this point I really an at my wits end with how to even communicate my needs anymore….”
Answer:
I’m sorry that you are feeling this way. My advice would be to let him know that you are feeling helpless about his lack attention and that it is something you feel you need in order to continue in this relationship. If he keeps ignoring your attempts without any sort of recognition or compromise, then maybe it’s time to ask for release and find someone who is more attentive and respectful. A proper Dom should be open to listening to his sub/slave. Not that they will always get their way, but communication is a big part of creating a healthy relationship! And it has to go both ways.
(This page is written to address BDSM for nice guys; there’s an
introduction to BDSM for good girls on the Web here.)
So you’re a nice guy. You think that people should be treated with respect and courtesy; you find violence, particularly violence against women, reprehensible; you would never, under any circumstances, raise your hand in anger against someone you love. And now your partner is asking you to tie her up, or call her names, or spank her, or maybe even “rape” her. All this goes against everything you believe. What do you do? Continue reading
BDSM relationships are not easy, they are not simple and there is no “normal” dynamic. I’ve said before that there is no way to describe the ultimate BDSM relationship, however there are certain protocols that create a sound foundation for one. Without a majority of these, a D/s relationship can be chaotic, full of misunderstandings, anger and jealousy.
Photo from saidaonline.com
Honest Communication
When you first meet someone I believe it is best to be honest about your desires, expectations and experience. You don’t need to force them to listen to you while you tell them your life story, but the major events, anything that could effect your relationship should be noted after a few dates/meetings or after things have gotten a bit more serious.
Fan Question:
“I am new to the community and I have never been with a Dom male as a submissive, I have never been a sub nor have I had any experience with spankings, floggings, paddles, I fantasize about everything bdsm a few things turn me on how should I go abouts finding a Dom, and or if I should experience first before looking for a Dom? thanks for the responses”
Answer: If you’re interested, but have never tried anything.. then do a lot of research FIRST. Having a better understanding of the culture and activities will give you an advantage when you finally do start looking for a partner. It will also make you more comfortable talking about it and you will know more about what you like and dislike. Subfrenzy, or jumping right in, can be dangerous if you don’t know what you are doing.. so look online for BDSM information or education, check out or buy a couple books, maybe even go to a munch or two to get into the local community. Some local dungeons also do beginner or safety courses that could be useful too! Good luck! ~Jessi~
Fan Question:”
“heres my problem i am a natural sub but my current bf kinda is too. ive asked him to be more domanat but hes so senstive and sweet hes tried some of the things ive told him i like but its like hes scared to domanate me like i so wish he would. how can i help bring him out of his shell and amke him feel more comforatable and want to be my master. sn this is the frist relationship hes ever been in with a sub he actually never knew about this life style before we got together any helpful ideas would be great”
Answer: If your current partner isn’t naturally Dominant, there’s no way to “covert” them. Someone has to have some dominant or submissive qualities in order to take on those roles.. so someone who is more submissive would feel extremely uncomfortably taking on a Dominant role. Sorry, but there’s no “Dominant To-Do List” that will create a Dom person.
Fan Question:
“Hiya! Can I ask some advice? Maybe also to the page page fans but I hope I can be anonymous…
A few months ago I have broken out of a 24/7 D/s, in a bdsm setting I’m submissive. It was my first D/s experience and the relationship lasted 18 months. At the moment I am single, not really looking for a new Dom/Daddy or maybe vanilla-ish partner but it looks like men smell I am single again, they come right at me. I am open about my orientation. What I see what happens is that men are interested in me, they say they are not into bdsm but I notice they think I’m kind of a sex freak (which maybe I will be to them) and they can do everything with me. Do more submissive single notice this? Maybe it has something to do with the 50 Shades hype? However, I don’t like it. There even was a man complaining I behaved not submissive to him and by the tone of his words I could hear he was disappointed although he did not tried to dominate me. He does not have a clou what bdsm is about, I don’t have to tell you that. Are there more single submissives have this kind of experience, vanilla men that are disappointed that you don’t submit to them? And do you also have the feeling vanilla men come after you because you are bdsm orientated?
How do you handle that? I don’t want to look for a D in the scene at the moment and some vanilla’s are quite nice and even into rough sex, which can open grounds for maybe some bdsm components and a bdsm exploration. I’m not searching but I’m open for nice people.”
Answer: Unfortunately, it is pretty common. Those who aren’t experienced or knowledgeable about BDSM tend to generalize submissive females as “freaks”.. or maybe they just confuse the term with nymphomaniacs? It comes with the territory and is something we can either help correct through education (which is our goal here) or learn to deal with. If you are upfront about your needs, then you should get the results you desire. If you want a dominant partner who is willing to develop a D/s relationship, then you’ll find that.. but if you continually look for a dominant figure in a vanilla world.. you’re most likely going to find more and more people expecting you to act promiscuous because you identify as a submissive. You can always check out BDSM communities and talk with people online who have BDSM in common with you.. develop friendships that way
